Separation anxiety and how you can help your little one!*

One of the most fascinating and eye-opening areas I ever studied within child psychology was the topic of object permanence, not because in itself is a wow-factor development, but more so because I realised that this stage of development can be linked to all sorts of experiences in a baby’s world, and is still seen far into the toddler years. One of the most common examples of where the development of this skill becomes all too apparent is when baby experiences separation anxiety.

What is separation anxiety?

Separation anxiety is when babies and toddlers often become 'clingy' and get upset when their closest carers leave them, even if for a short time. It usually occurs when your little one starts to gain their independence.

Although it can often feel unsettling, separation anxiety is a normal part of development. Babies under 6-8 months are usually pretty content so long as their needs are being met, but it’s after this time, when bonds have started to form, when babies and toddlers start to prefer specific people (usually, their main caregivers) and will exhibit certain behaviour when separated from them. It usually settles a few months later, but it can last or reoccur up to 18 months and sometimes it can resurface during those early toddler years once little ones become aware of their own independence more and more. Starting nursery for example is one of the most common examples of reoccurring separation anxiety.

What is object permanence?

Babies believe that when they can't see something or someone, that means they've gone away. They also don't understand the concept of time, so they don't know that it will eventually come back, so when that involves Mum or Dad leaving the room, for example, babies get stressed and anxious, and upset very quickly. You might have tried to play the usually-fun game of 'peeka-boo' but perhaps baby hasn't been too happy - that's because they genuinely think you've disappeared!

When a baby develops object permanence, it basically means that they have learnt that objects exist around them, independent of themselves, even when they can’t be seen.
When you leave the room, even just for a moment, do you notice your little one screams as if you’ve dropped off the face of the planet? That’s because they think you have. Babies are egocentric – basically meaning that their world revolves around them, and they don’t yet understand that everything else exists independently of them (think EGOtystical and you’ll remember the connection). That’s why they’re selfish – it’s not because they mean to be, they just haven’t learnt yet that you are separate to them.

So how are the two linked? The science bit. (If you're not into the science, scroll down to how you can help both at home and in your swimming lessons). 

So the sciency bit – object permanence was theorised by a Psychologist named Jean Piaget. He is widely known in the Psychology community as a pioneer of so many different ideas and theories, and his ‘stages of development’ theory is one of the most widely understood theories these days. Although a lot of it has since been…not debunked, but re-established by other Psychologists (his early 20^th century timings are slightly off in our modern-day society), his work is still taught on undergraduate and postgraduate courses today. So Piaget had this theory of development, that it consisted of four stages, which I won’t go hugely into, but I do think it’s nice to know what it is. The four stages are called sensorimotor, preoperational, concrete operational and formal operational period, and the best way for me to explain these without going all psycho(logy) on you is with a beautiful table.

Stage	Age	What it involves
Sensorimotor	Birth – 2 years	Egocentric; object permanence
Preoperational	2 – 7 years	Symbolism; still highly egocentric
Concrete Operational	7 – 11 years	Beginning of logical thinking; understanding of amount
Formal Operational	11 years +	Understanding abstract concepts; testing own hypothesis

So object permanence is about seeing things, and learning that once we can’t see them anymore, they do still exist, and is in general something that’s starting to take shape around about 5 months of age. Take for example when you leave the room – baby notices and starts to cry. You come back in and comfort them and they are fine. They genuinely believe you’ve gone, and they’re distraught (this does depend on the attachment between caregiver and baby of course – securely attached infants will be highly distraught, compared to less attached children, who may not show as much upset. To read more about Mary Ainsworth’s theory of attachments, see the references). Another example is when baby drops their spoon/bowl/teddy and suddenly starts re-enacting a scene from Walking with Dinosaurs. Whailing, crying, screaming – it’s all because they haven’t quite realised it’s actually only on the floor, or under the sofa, or in Mum’s hair.

But fear not! There are some great games to play with baby to help them learn about object permanence, and have a bit of fun too.

  

How does it affect your Water Babies lesson?

First of all, it’s important to know the signs of separation anxiety, as it’s not just the obvious sign of wanting to stay close to a parent.

        clinging to parents.

        extreme and severe crying.

        refusal to do things that require separation.

        physical illness, such as headaches or vomiting.

        emotional temper tantrums.

        refusal to go to school

        poor school performance

        failure to interact in a healthy manner with other children.

When and if your little one experiences separation anxiety it is really key to continue your Water Babies lessons, as the classes provide so many great bonding opportunities for you both, and that skin to skin contact can really help to reconnect you both. 

What can you do in the pool to help?

Make sure that the person going in the pool is the main carer to whom the child has the separation anxiety from. If the main carer is sat poolside, this can be a huge distraction and cause a lot of upset for the little one. 

The most important thing is to never give up! Swimming with your baby provides so many bonding opportunities, strengthens trust promotes independence, so even if your little one spends the whole time clung to you it’s going to help to stay in the water.

If little one is clung to you, refusing to take part, take a BIG BREATH and accept that you need to stop trying to get them involved. Go and grab some of your teachers toys, or perhaps they just want to practice some jumping in? The more you try to make them join in with things they don’t want to, the more you’re reinforcing their negative association with the pool so take their mind off it by doing something that they’re happy with. A happy swimmer leads to a confident swimmer, so the most important thing is that they’re enjoying themselves no matter what they’re doing. You may just spend 30 minutes bouncing round the pool with a fish, but there’s no rush to learn skills and we’d much rather little one went away having had fun!

Most importantly, don’t let yourself get stressed. Little ones pick up on our emotions and copy us, so stay calm and reassure them that it’s okay. Communication with your toddler is key – if they see others doing a skill and they start to get upset, reassure them that they don’t have to take part. Your teacher will do the same if they spot any little ones looking worried.

What can you can do at home to help?

Peek-a-boo! The classic, age-old game that we play with babies (and dogs, or is that just me?) where we hide behind our hands and then proceed to surprise baby by suddenly ‘appearing’ from behind them, shouting peek-a-boo! This is fantastic for baby, as it’s a nice, gentle way of hiding without really going anywhere. As babies are so closely tuned to faces, hiding our face elicits the same response, and we’re able to get the same reaction from them. Even better is when they start to imitate us, and hide themselves!

The next stage is to hide toys under blankets or towels. Start with them only partially covered, so baby can see the corner and will uncover it, then progress on to covering the whole object. If they show no interest, it’s because they don’t know it’s under there, but soon enough they’ll start pulling back that blanket with a very proud smile! Playing hide and seek yourself with a blanket is also a great idea – stay close, pop the blanket over you and let baby explore and pull it off you.

The next stage is about relating this understanding to humans. When baby cries because he can’t see you, say you’ve left the room for a minute, keep talking to baby! Sing a song, have a conversation, tell them what you’re doing. Your voice is part of you – so it helps baby understand you still exist somewhere and you’ll usually find they are less anxious when they know they have more chance of you coming back.

You can also practice some short separations which will get easier the more you do them. Have a family member or friend that baby recognises come and watch baby for short periods of time. Pop to the shop, have a shower, then start trying longer stints.

Make goodbyes a positive! Instead of dwelling on the fact you’re leaving with a sad association, focus on the excitement of seeing them again. ‘Have fun! Mummy will see you later for a big cuddle! We’ll go to the park!’ etc.

Just remember, it's developmentally normal, it's not personal and it won't last forever 💙. 

xoxo

*In conjunction with Water Babies